Partner therapy sees the same problem recurring: "One should be each other's best defense attorneys"

Small sharp remarks have crept in under the double bed. There are longer gaps between loving glances, and suddenly there must fall a small sharp remark or a look, before the argument starts.

Many are quicker to decide what the other person is doing wrong, instead of realizing how they themselves affect the dynamics.

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> It is a common danger signal in many relationships

> Frej Prahl, couples therapist

This is what many-year couples therapist Frej Prahl, known from TV programs such as 'Happy Relationships' and book titles like 'Everything is good' and 'Sparked', believes.

- People often have a hope or an idea that if their partner changed, the conflicts would solve themselves, he says.

- But when one thinks that most of the problem is with the partner, it creates a justification that the other closes over, and it creates a difficult pattern between people, says Frej Prahl.

The psychologist comes with a song for Danish couples about working on difficult conversations. There is gold in couples therapy and great self-awareness is waiting, if one dares to dig deep into each other and oneself.

It can even provide a solution to some behavior patterns that go all the way back to the relationship with one's parents and heal old forgotten wounds, the psychologist in P1-podcast Brinkmann's Bricks tells. ( https://www.dr.dk/lyd/p1/brinkmanns-briks-2144855835000 )

The last ten years have seen a significant drop in divorce rates, which may indicate that more are staying and working on their relationships. (Photo: © Ida Guldbæk Arentsen, Scanpix Denmark)

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'A danger signal in many relationships'

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The last few years have seen a significant drop ( https://www.statistikbanken.dk/SKI55 ) , and this indicates that more are staying and working on the relationship ( https://www.dr.dk/nyheder/regionale/hovedstadsomraadet/faerre-bliver-skilt-stor-interesse-redde-aegteskabet-med ) instead of leaving - among other things by going to couples therapy, which has become more popular in recent years - where many even do it preventively ( https://www.dr.dk/det-bedste-fra-dr/har-du-overvejet-parterapi-hvis-det-skal-virke-er-der-saerligt-en-ting-du-skal ) , before conflicts have bitten deep.

This also experiences Frej Prahl, whose psychologist practice does not have room for more new couples in the calendar.

- It has become much more mainstream to work on one's relationship, he says.

When the damage has been done, and love seems to have gone silent, it is often, according to the psychologist, because deep feelings and patterns over a longer period have not been processed.

- We are quick to attribute negative intentions and motives to each other in what we do. It is a common danger signal in many relationships, says Frej Prahl.

Therefore, he gives a concrete advice on how one can deal with problems through conversations. Namely by sitting opposite each other and coming with one's best and most understanding arguments for why the other person behaves in a given conflict, in order to foster a greater understanding of each other's behavior patterns.

It is not about justifying the other's behavior, not at all, but about becoming curious about the positive intention behind it, Frej Prahl underlines.

- One should try to be each other's best defense attorneys, says the psychologist and adds:

- It can make both parties feel met, and so one becomes much better at finding solutions together. What everyone deep down wants is to be seen in what we are trying to achieve.

In Brinkmann's Bricks, Frej Prahl gives an example from his own life.

In his relationship with his wife, he was initially frustrated and occasionally angry when she became very emotional or emotional about something. By looking within, he could discover that he reacted in this way because her sensitivity made him feel inadequate.

- I thought, it was my job to make her happy. When she wasn't, I thought it was my fault. And so I got angry at her, because she shouldn't come and say that I wasn't good enough, says the psychologist and adds:

- When I discovered the pattern, I suddenly understood that it had more to do with me than with her. I saw her more clearly. he says.

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Forms of parents and resolved by partners

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When one finds in a relationship that a conflict is rooted in some patterns, one also has a common 'enemy', which can make it easier to put down one's weapons, points out the psychologist.

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> The better they know themselves and their patterns, the more clearly they can also see

> their partner

> Frej Prahl

- It makes a big difference, for then it is no longer you and me who are going against each other, but us who are fighting against the pattern that has caused us to lose contact with each other, says Frej Prahl.

Frej Prahl tells in Brinkmann's Bricks how he was inspired to become a couples therapist, among other things through conversations with his wife. (Archive photo). (Photo: © Anne Bæk, Scanpix Denmark)

According to him, there is not only potential for cutting the wounds in a couples therapy room. The individual can also experience great relief in digging deep into oneself and perhaps finding out that their way of behaving comes from childhood.

- Relationship is a bonding relationship. Completely similar to the relationship with our parents. So many of the patterns we have had in our relationship with our parents, we will repeat with our own partners, says Frej Prahl and adds:

- It means that the relationship becomes one where we can heal some of the wounds we have received from our own parents.

Does one risk losing spontaneity and mystery in a relationship if everything is resolved, and if one always perspectives it through psychology?

- There must be something unresolved in a relationship, says Frej Prahl.

- But the risk I see is that one does not know oneself well enough. Both in my own life and with my clients can I see that the better they know themselves and their patterns, the more clearly they can also see their partner, says Frej Prahl.

Listen more about how the psychologist was inspired by conversations with his wife to go the couples therapy path, and get more good advice for untying the knots in conflicts, in this episode of Brinkmann's Bricks.

Warning: This article was translated by a Large Language Model, in case of doubt, you can always visit the original source.